Hmm, well I suppose I could type up all kinds of nifty little tidbits about myself, but what reason would you have to trust me? Hell, I could claim to have 18 kinds of marvelous qualities that I never realized I don’t possess, so I decided to let some of the locals here in town to sum me up:
First off we have my second grade teacher, Mrs. Farmsworth:
zombie2000: OMG Mrs. Farmsworth! It’s been years! Say, I wanted to know if you would be willing to help me… Mrs. Farmsworth: Ummm…Steve? It’s me, Garry. Remember? Her son? zombie2000: Oh. Ummm….oh. Wow the resemblance…I mean. Huh. Well, does your mom still live around here? I have a few questions for her. GarryFarmsworth: She’s downstairs. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to see you after so long. zombie2000: Great. Thanks. zombie2000: Oh my.
I wasn’t going to let that little snag stop me. I then contacted my first girlfriend, Molly. She was hard to locate: Molly: Day told you ish shhhhixty dollershh up frunt, right? zombie2000: 60 dolla….Oh, no no no no no. I’m not here for that. I need your help with my blog. Molly: Blog? Ish that shomshing you shmoke or shhhhoot up? zombie2000: It’s an internet site where I tell stories about my life, express random thoughts, and sometimes fuck with people. Molly: I du that too, but I get shixty dollarsh. zombie2000: I’m not paying you for this. Could you just describe me so I can post it on my info page for everyone to read? Molly: Your penish ish shmall. zombie2000: Ok, that’ll be all. See ya’ around and you may want to stop chewing on what used to be your fingertips.
Next we have Reverend Filbert. Surely he could help me out: Reverend Filbert: Yeah, yeah. I remembers you. How could I forget? You is still keeping’ up with the teachins of dah Lawd? zombie2000: To be honest, I became an atheist a long long time ago. Reverend Filbert: Aww Lawd. Shoulda seen that one comin’ since that time you done urinated in the holy water an’ called it “holy pee pee”! zombie2000: LOL Yeah, I wanted all the baptized babies to stink like piss. Reverend Filbert: Yeah, yeah. Then you done grabbed a cup full o’ it an’ chased dat lil’ Molly girl around’ wid it sayin’ you was gonna bless ‘er. zombie2000: Hahahahaa. Good times. Reverend Filbert: Say….on dat topic. You gots 60 dollahs I can borra’? zombie2000: Nope. Sorry.
And finally the talented Tiffany Brissette. Yep, THE Tiffany Brissette: Tiffany Brissette: Ah, I thought your name sounded familiar. Steve, yeah. Well Steve, ummm… thanks for the fan mail. It was interesti… zombie2000: I probably wouldn’t have become such a huge fan of Small Wonder, but when I was a kid, my parents didn’t have cable and the rabbit ears on the TV were bent up from that time the dog… Tiffany Brissette: No. I meant the fan mail you sent last week. zombie2000: Oh, that one. Tiffany Brissette: One? More like 46? Hello? zombie2000: I only wanted you to hear me out. The updated Small Wonder movie could work because remember that computer chip the dad put in Vicki that enabled her to grow like a real kid in that one episode? It could kinda play out like that movie Cherry 2000. Tiffany Brissette: You’re a pervert. Don’t contact me again. zombie2000: Wait! Before you go c… Tiffany Brissette: I already told you that I’m not giving you 60 dollars. zombie2000: Crap.
And there you go. Hopefully you have a clear picture of yours truly.